A wedding lasts a day...

... but marriage lasts a lifetime.

Ahhh, the phrase splattered across nearly every pre-marriage lecture, seminar, or class brochure. And like so many other cliche phrases, you can't help but acknowledge it's true.

Kenneth and I dated for years before he proposed, and we had time to get to know each other-- good and bad. Even then, the closer we get to the wedding, the more we realize that we have as much work to do getting ready for the marriage we're about to enter as we do for the wedding. We're required to take Pre-Cana (or pre-marriage) Classes to be married in the Catholic church, but due to the schedule at the church we're doing Pre-Cana at, we won't be able to take the classes until early spring, just before we're married. Not wanting to wait that long, we've been reading a few books on marriage. I've been reading books on marriage and Kenneth reads it after I do if it's a good one.

First, The Five Love Languages. This one is a classic, and for a reason. Kenneth and I are plenty compatible, but we have our differences, too. This eye-opener helped us understand each other, and ourselves. It used to bother me that Kenneth wasn't much of a hugger, hand-holder, or in-public-smoocher. But after reading this book, I saw that when he did the dishes after I made dinner, that was his way of showing affection. The best part is that it doesn't just apply to relationships between you and your (future) spouse. It helped me understand my friends, parents, and other family better. It's definitely a must-read.

Next, Saving Your Marriage Before it Starts. Sigh. This was definitely a disappointment. "Finally," I thought, "a book for those of us who aren't quite married yet!"  Don't let the title fool you. This book constantly says "your husband," "your wife." It's not aimed at the not-yet or even newly-engaged. And the advice? Puh-leeze.  It was superficial and unhelpful.  What a waste. I'm glad I checked it out from the library at work. If I had bought it, I would've been kicking myself for days.

Moving along, the next one I checked out was Getting Ready for the Wedding, edited by Les and Leslie Parrot .(Yep, the same ones who wrote Saving Your Marriage Before it Starts. That should have been my first clue.)  I was excited by chapters with titles like "What's the secret to having a great engagement?" and "How can we get married without drowing in debt?"  Fabulous! Just the sort of thing I was wondering about.  Ugh. Their advice in the wedding budget section was not aimed at the individual getting married, but their parents. Essentially, they said "Give your children a set budget, and let them decide how to spend it. It's their wedding." That's lovely and all, but not exactly in touch with reality for most couples in 2009, including us.

Next, I read Starting Your Marriage Right: What You Need to Know in the Early Years to Make It Last a Lifetime by Dennis and Barbara Rainey. This book had some good advice, such as making sure to take time for weekends away with just each other 4 times a year. The major drawback was that it was too broad and too shallow. There were chapters on nearly every topic that has ever caused trouble in marriages since the institution came into being, yet the chapters were just 10 pages long at most.  Also, like all the other books discussed here, some parts irked the special spot in my soul for women's empowerment issues. Notably, the authors advised wives to allow husbands to have their way in disagreements that last more than 24 hours.Yeah, that's not happening in this egalitarian partnership of ours. Moving on...

As an interlude, I watched Fireproof. The premise is that any marriage can be saved if you just love the other partner enough. This is accomplished through a method known as the Love Dare. Maybe it's the child-of-divorced-parents-cynic in me, but this seems a bit ridiculously naive. If marriage is a partnership, the commitment of both individuals is necessary, right? And, no offense to The Beatles, but I think you actually need more than love to make a marriage work.

Finally, I borrowed two copies of The Most Important Year in a Man's Life/The Most Important Year in a Woman's Life, from the library and parked one on Kenneth's nightstand at his house, and one on mine. This is where the clouds parted, angels sang, and God smiled upon us saying "It is good."  This book is divided so that half is addressed to the husband (or husband-to-be) while the other is addressed at the female partner in the relationship. In the middle is the oh-so-creatively named "Meet in the Middle" section, with conversation starters and questions for reflection. While The Five Love Languages is fantastic for learning to understand/communicate with your partner, The Most Important Year gives practical advice on  in-laws, time management, money matters and other issues. It also got us talking. We always knew our values aligned well, but this book is bringing us new focus in how we discuss what matters. Sure, it did occasionally rub me the wrong way with assumptions it made on the wife's role, but the authors were more progressive than the others. Ultimately, the book was good enough for me to invest in a copy for us to keep. 

While I know reading these books won't guarantee a successful marriage, hopefully we're that much closer to "happily ever after." Have you read any other books that might help us get our marriage started on the right foot?